Until I woke up this morning knowing I “need to” plan for some sort of distance ministry to my church families, I was feeling pretty relaxed. My “to dos” were things like sort a huge pile of papers that I’ve been avoiding, make sure we had the ingredients for pancakes and make sure dinner was made. Now my “to dos” are be receptive to God’s call and direction and figure out how to minister to others. No big deal.
That was actually Tuesday. Now it’s Saturday. I wrote to someone this morning that this experience so far is much like waking up daily to find you’re on a different part of a rollercoaster: a smooth part where all the “to dos” get done; a sudden drop when you read that some people don’t really believe this is so serious and that maybe the worst is behind us and we just didn’t know it because the virus wasn’t being tracked yet; a loop-the-loop when you realize it’s Saturday and you have most of an idea completed for an online “children’s time” with your church kids, but you’re feeling that gut churn and you want to finish/don’t want to finish and you’re not sure you’re up for practicing delivery of your message and putting it on video. Gulp.
So when the gut gets to churning real good, I find that this–writing on the blog–is something that calms me. I can slow down my thinking and edit it for my own clarity and analyze what is really going on inside me. What am I afraid of?
If I were to graph my anxiety, it’s probably at it’s lowest about 10:15 on Sunday morning, as Sunday school starts. The curve stays pretty flat through about Tuesday. Maybe there are some little blips when I start to do work and can’t quite get myself going. Then about Wednesday I start to realize that if I haven’t contacted my teachers to confirm they are available to teach and to give them the basics about the Sunday’s lesson, I might look unprepared. And then that anxiety bumps up a bit and makes it harder to do what I needed to do. By Saturday, the assignments, lessons, materials and setup are usually done. Yet the anxiety is high. No matter what, I feel like maybe Sunday is going to be a disaster of my making. And then at 10:15, I can’t “what if” anymore, it’s time to act. I heard an interview by a comedian with anxiety weeks back who said you can’t have anxiety when you’re performing because you’re finally in the moment. That’s really when I “perform” the best. When I just have to respond and not over think. I wish I could figure out how to plan but not think. Hmmm. Sounds challenging. When the kids are in front of me, especially those up through 5th grade, I start to talk and they interrupt with questions and diversions, but I roll with it. When it’s the middle schoolers, I feel like I’ve left the tracks…
This Sunday is a new twist in the rollercoaster–one I can’t even quite imagine yet. Last Sunday I had the rare occasion of just being a spectator. Now I am going to be playing music with Julia and Ellen and Jeremiah, part of our morning online worship. Because I’m not in charge of that, it doesn’t really stress me. But at some point, hopefully soon, I need to practice and record that video of my thoughts for kids for tomorrow. I think after dumping thoughts here for a while I might be ready to go do that. My reward would be going out in the glorious sunshine for a walk with my family. That should be enough to get me through.
