I know it says something about me that I felt immense peace and maybe even giddiness as our little world shut down because of COVID-19. Now that I have a kid crying in the shoe closet, denied a birthday party, I feel more conflicted.
I keep reading articles that are vague in how strictly we should be quarantining–probably because no one really has all the answers. Rich keeps pointing out, exponential growth is not something people tend to understand and we could go from a few cases to thousands rapidly if people aren’t careful. Yet when the kids want to go to birthday parties and sleepovers, he doesn’t seem to see that as an issue. If this virus can live on surfaces for 2-3 days and people can be infected but not show symptoms for up to 3 days after exposure, doesn’t it seem like a good idea not to spend prolonged periods of time in the same space as others?
Back when everything started shutting down due to the virus, I was in the hospital with Catherine. She had severe dizziness and headache, then leg tremors, getting us referred to UNMH Pediatric ER by the Urgent Care. Long story short, there were a parade of doctors, an IV, a CT scan, neurological evaluation (by 3 individual neurology residents, then the entire team including the head of Pediatric Neurology), lots of IV medication to try to get rid of the headache and dizziness, and then being sent home without any definitive answers. Though tired, I felt somewhat peaceful because it felt out of my hands that I was missing work and doing the stuff required of me at home. At some point, I did go from “it’s no big deal and it will pass” with Catherine’s symptoms to “what if it’s something really serious?” Given that the neuro team saw her, decided not to pursue a MRI and sent her home, my fears calmed.
Next, there was the night of vomiting followed by the day of diarrhea, all still with a headache. Then there was a pretty good night of sleep followed by the optimistic eating of a breakfast burrito, then more vomiting. In a blur this all was between Wednesday morning (when I picked up Catherine from school) through Thursday midnight. Friday Catherine didn’t feel great, but she slept well and is finally upright, doing work around the house and starting to eat more normally again.
And as of Thursday schools in Albuquerque were closed until after spring break’s end on April 5. I ran errands on Thursday–the bank and a quick trip to church–and the bank teller jokingly told me I’d better get my toilet paper quick. I wasn’t sure if we actually needed any, but a visit to Amazon told me we’re really out of luck: out of stock there too. Without thinking I exclaimed, “Holy Shit!” I realized the pun-y-ness of my exclamation, about the toilet paper while standing outside my church, and started giggling giddily.
So one thing all this tells me is that I am working harder and doing things past the point of enjoyment. I was glad when church was called off. I was not so glad when I got a text that I needed to be thinking about “supplying parents with lessons and prayers they can do at home.” At what point do we just take a breath and say, “let’s be creative and figure out what we can do on or own now for a while?” instead of “How do we change our frenzied work from one venue to another?”
Catherine had a trip to California for Show Choir canceled, which was good since she was too sick to go anyway. There are a series of concerts scheduled for next week that have been canceled, too. Soccer practice and games are canceled for the next three weeks. After school track isn’t happening. I don’t have people to run all over town. I feel such peace knowing that if I choose to clean my house instead of be ready for lessons tomorrow, it’s totally ok.
So what does this mean about me and the way I am doing my “job” or acting on my “calling?” It says to me that maybe I need to figure out how to do that with more peace in my soul and love in my heart. Possible?
